This is how it is
by legitdegrassi
Summary: She was His…but she was also…HIS. Hmm looks like a love triangle…does she have to choose? Or will she keep it a big dark secret? Or is what she wanted, was there all along?


Thank you, to my lovely editor: Mrs. Malfoy-Goode

_**"This…this is how it is, and it's the only way."  
><strong>_

My stomach started making flips just thinking of his kisses, of his hands all over me. When he touched me it was like a slow forest fire that soon turned everything on fire. I could still feel the heat, but soon the forest fire died down…and I didn't feel it anymore. It's gone, and just like that, my feelings for him fade, making me think twice about my little arrangement. I knew better then to do this to both of them. It was wrong, but it was the only way, which worked for all three of us. He knew that I was with both of them. I see it in his eyes, the anger and the pain that I cause him when I'm with someone else. But he doesn't fight because he knows he will lose me if he does. He knows why I did what I did, and why I do what I do.

I lay back on my purple silk comforter, sighing at how comfortable I felt, but deep down, somewhere very deep down, I felt disgusted. The feeling that I was going against my vows, and against everything that I was taught to not do. But I keep telling myself it has to be done. I wanted them both.

_Tap, tap, tap  
><em>  
>I lift my head up to see a hooded figure right out my window. I smirked; it<br>was him.

I got up slowly, the floorboards creaking as I made my way to the window and opened it. I cringed from the screeching noise it made, making a mental note to myself to fix this. I looked at his expressionless face, and knew immediately that he was mad. I put my hands to my sides and looked down, and acted like I was hurt from how he was acting. Soon enough I felt his warm arms enclose around my body like a protective shield. I smirked in victory of how I had him in the palm of my hand.

I nuzzled my nose in the crook of his neck, placing kisses here and there and  
>then searched for his lips but he backed away. He turned and closed the window, then leaned against it, facing me. I sighed, knowing he was about to<br>start his rant. I went to my bed, and got under the covers, and laid down.

After a while- maybe hours; I don't know- I heard him sigh and make his way  
>towards me. The bed shifted and then I felt his arms around me under the covers. I turned for I was face to face with him, his green eyes burning holes into mine, which made me catch my breath. His eyes held so much emotion. His Adams Apple bobbed up and down, like he was… nervous? There was no way Eli Goldsworthy would be nervous.<p>

"I love you so much." He whispered, I smiled a small smile and went to kiss  
>him again when at the last second he turned his head.<p>

"What's wrong?" I asked him softly, placing my hand on his chest, gripping  
>his shirt lightly.<p>

"I got help- my mom got me a therapist, and I got more medicine." I crinkled  
>my brows and looked at his slightly shaking body.<p>

"That's good Eli." I told him, a knot forming in the pit of my stomach when I saw a tear forming in the corner of his eye. I leaned over and kissed his tear away and I heard him sigh again. "I love you." I said, and I truly meant it. "More than anything." I continued.

He opened his eyes, and they turned a darker shade and growl was heard throughout the room. Soon I was on by back and he was hovering above me with my arms pinned above my head.

"Then why?" he said through clinched teeth. "Why are you with him? And don't tell me you're not because I smell him all over you." He was trying to  
>control his anger, he was heaving, and the grip on my hands tightened.<p>

"You know why." I stated, and frowned. He shook his head, and his breath  
>fanned ever my face. "I don't want to choose between you are Jake."<p>

"Don't say his name!" he snapped. I felt the tears start to run down my face. He stared at my tears, and looked at my eyes that were now pink due to crying. I stared at his face, which was slightly lighter from the moonlight shining through the window.

"I can't choose Eli, I can't choose, this is the only way." I told him, barely audible but I know he heard it.

"No, you're just scared, you're scared that you will chose me over him." My eyes widened but before I got to process what he was saying his lips crashed over mine. I immediately responded, our lips moving in sync with each other's. He tugged on my bottom lip, asking, so I opened my mouth, and our tongues started to fight for dominance. He won, and started open mouth kissing my chin to my neck. He let go of my hands, which went straight to his hair. As he sucked on my neck, I played with the strands of hair on the back of his neck. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he moaned at the proximity. He sat up, bringing me with him. He kissed me again but now he slowed it down, much to my dismay. But soon I realized how sweet the kiss was, it was slow and passionate. He was taking his time with me. I felt his hand grab my shirt and slowly take it off me. I went for his, but pushed my hands away. I laid  
>back, my bare back hitting the silky sheets as I stared up at him questioningly.<br>His eyes held mine as he reached for my shorts and pulled the down and through them somewhere in my room.

I watched as he raised his hand, using his index finger, he trailed his finger started from my nose, to my neck, between my breasts, then my stomach and stopped. He left trails of fire everywhere, even in places he didn't even touched me yet. My breath quickened, my palms got sweaty and my heart started beating even faster, if that was possible. He was still staring at my face, studying it. I then figured out what he was trying to do- and it was working.

"What you said was true, Eli," I whispered, closing my eyes. I thought of all the times Jake touched me; yes it felt good, but it never even compared to how it felt when Eli touched me. When Eli touches me, it's a fire that never goes out. Just one look from him makes me go weak. I want him. I always have, and always will. Yes I love them both, but in completely different ways. Jake will always be in my life, but never the way I wanted him to be. Eli, however, is always there for me; even when I was wrong, he was still there. He's my Eli. He is the one that kept my faith in God strong, because God made him for me. Eli was meant for me and me only. I knew after tonight things would change. Yes, we would go through ups and downs but I'd have to get over it. Life is never easy, and I know that now. If I take the easy way out, I'll still end up hurt. I trust Eli with my whole heart, and I know he wouldn't hurt me. I have to choose what's right for me, even if it's going to be hard. Of course Jake made me happy, and it was as easy as breathing with him. I wanted easy, I really did. But in order for me to be completely happy, I'd have to be with Eli. So, it turned out that I was wrong all along. Me being with both of them was wrong; I had to choose. I was wrong in more than one way; I did not have him  
>in the palm of my hand, he had me in the palm of his. I was his, and forever<br>will be.

"I know." He smirked, chuckling lightly. He laid down next to me, tucking me into his side, covering us with the covers. He kissed my head, and put his arm around me in a protective way. Happiness spread throughout my body hearing him chuckle. I hadn't heard it in so long. I missed it… I missed him. And he stared down at me lovingly. I know from here on my life will change. It will be rough; we will have times of heart break, we will have weak spots and then happy times. But I have just got to keep reminding myself…

This is how it is.

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**~legitdegrassi**


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